How to irritate others and shed friends?

'I don't have pet peeves, I have whole kennels of irritation'
--Prerak Parikh
The Chronicle
July,2007

Dudes and Dudettes..!

Here,i come again, with yet another weird but informative piece of article.

Till date,you must have had come across millions and trillions of books and articles that gives random,shitty tips and techniques to impress others and make friends..

Yesterday,I was surfing a library, where I found some 100 to 200 books and articles on the same..

'How to start a conversation and make friends?'
-by Don Gabor

'How to win friends and influence people?'
-by Dale Carnegie

'How to make friends fast?'
-by Frebbie Glue

'Road to friendship'
-by G K. Madison

'Learn to make friends and impress people in just two weeks'
-by John Bradman

etc etc etc..

"What the hell?",i yelled.

Don't u think this is all rubbish?

Fasten ur seat belts..u'll be shocked to learn that, Frebbie Glue, the bald and snobbish author of 'How to make friends fast?' never ever had friends in his life..

How the hell can anyone teach u how to make friends and impress people?

Do u really think u need help of a book to make buddies and influence others?

If u think so, just think about urself..

How many friends do u have?

Did u ever read a book to make friends?

Huh..! atleast now u r getting my point..

In today's world, it's extremely easy to make new friends and instigate people.Just go and join some friendship club in ur locality or just join an orkut community.

lol..! IN SEARCH OF AN AMIGO

You don't even need to do the above mentioned things.You can just approach a random stranger who is loitering around and start talking some intersting suff.He'll be ur buddy,the next minute..

You see..How easy..?

The only problems that are pinching today's youngsters are How to lose friends? it's easy to make friends but have u ever wondered how would u lose one? How to irritate people? How to rub ur friend's ass? (don't take it literally..it's a slang) How to get rid of ur friends? How to become a lamer, a spagnut, a spudnut or a bozo?

Studies have revealed that on an average, a person meets 2-3 lacs people and makes around 500-1000 friends, depending on his nature, in his life time.

My God..!

Don't believe it? Check out ur orkut's friend list..

What i mean to explain is, you don't require such books to make friends.

lemme just stop blabbering and come to the main point..'How to irritate people and alienate friends?'

Before starting, lemme make one thing very clear that the stuff u gonna read now, may or may not lead to unpredictable and jetty consequences and the author is not at all responsible for the same.You may quit if u want else go ahead..All the best..!

Hmm..! so how to bug others and lose friends?

i'll list out some ways to become an irrit.It contains few patent stuff so it's usage is strictly prohibited unless permission is sought from the author.

Infact,u r permitted ;-)

1) Become an ASKHOLE

Wait..!

u might be thinking that i've made a typing mistake but u heard it right..mind u..i'm asking u to become an ASKHOLE and not ASSHOLE/ARSEHOLE..Not only will u lose friends but gain enemies too, by becoming an ASSHOLE..so beware..!

coming back to the point..hey hey..don't gape..i'll tell u who an ASKHOLE is?

ASKHOLE is a person who keeps on asking random and useless questions.Ask ask and ask till u bask and ur friends says 'bus' (enough).It is the best technique to become a bozo.Prepare a series of random questions and learn them by heart..cram it..! Shower them on each and every friend u meet.These questions must range from 'How are you' to 'What's the color of the underwear u r wearing' and from 'What's ur father's age' to 'What's ur grandpa's age' even if u know that his grandpa has already left for heaven, be sure to ask Why, and keep in store a corresponding Why for every answer the patient of a man/woman has for you. With constant practice you shall be avoided. But there is no time for repose, this is just the beginning.

2) SHAAYROLOGY

Chillax..! don't look around for dictionary..

SHAAYROLOGY is a branch of study that deals with shaayris.

All u need to do is to think a rhyming two liner for eg. "aap aaye bahaar aayi..aap gaye chaar aur aayi" and fire it on ur friends when u r in a group..wait..it isn't easy..don't just emit the whole line in one breath..take time and use hand gestures..for eg..

aap aaye bahaar aayi..wah wah..! all hail..!
arz kiya haiaap aaye bahaar aayi..wah wah..! all hail..!
aap aap wah wah..! all hail..!
aap aaye bahaar aayi..
ek aur baar
aap aaye bahaar aayi..
repeat it somewhat like 15 times and then
aap gaye chaar aur aayi..wah wah..! all hail..all hail..!

hmm..! there is an alternative to the above method..

Think of a rhyming two liner and convert it into a sonnet..

How..?

well, lemme illustrate..

"tere pyaar ka aisa kaisa saaya, jo mujpe chaaya..do minute ruk, mein susu karke aaya"

now see how i convert it into a sonnet

arz kiya hai..
tere pyaar ka aisa kaisa saaya wah wah..! all hail..!
tere pyaar ka aisa kaisa saaya wah wah..!
tere pyaar ka aisa kaisa saaya, jo mujpe chaaya wah wah..! all hail..!
1-2-3-4, 4-3-2-1 wah wah..!
tere pyaar ka aisa kaisa saaya, jo mujpe chaaya wah wah..! all hail..!
tere pyaar ka aisa kaisa saaya wah wah..! all hail..!
tere pyaar ka aisa kaisa saaya wah wah..! wah wah..! all hail..!
1-2-3-4, 4-3-2-1 wah wah..!
tere pyaar ka aisa kaisa saaya, jo mujpe chaaya wah wah..! all hail..!
upar se niche, niche se upar wah wah..! wah wah..!
aage se piche,piche se aage wah wah..! wah wah..!
tere pyaar ka aisa kaisa saaya, jo mujpe chaaya
tere pyaar ka aisa kaisa saaya, jo mujpe chaaya
do minute ruk, mein susu karke aaya..wah wah..!

i bet, this will eat up ur friend's brain..lol..!

Infact, this is precisely what i do to pester THE GORILLAS (u wont know wht's it unless and untill u read my post titled 'WINNERS NEVER QUIT' (1-2-1-2-1-2)

3) Hit the Bull's eye

There are a couple of other methods to chafe people and the best one is to attack their ego. Wait, didn't I say the best was to ask questions? Oh whatever, just read don't ask questions. Attack the ego, I say. Sermonize as much as you can. Tell them always that the best path to take in life is a path of integrity, honesty and virtue. Make sure you yourself are atleast a hundred miles away from that path. Great. Ask people that did they embrace the path of integrity, honesty and virtue or are they still ignoble in their outlook every time you meet them. Make sure this is asked in public. You shall again be avoided.
You can also do it in a different way..

Just point out the fields in which ur friends have deep knowledge and ask some random question related to the topic, which are extremely difficult to answer..

Not getting it..?

lemme illustrate..

If someone is very good at cricket and always keeps on boasting about it everyewhere..Ask him some ultra difficult questions related to the sport...ask him "Which sport did Gavaskar use to play before joining cricket?"."In which year did Robin Singh drop his first catch","Against whom did Debashish Mohanty hit his first six?"..don't laugh..but do it, ask the worst questions of all times and make sure u urself know the answers.Do it in public..especially when females are around..Criticize him if he is unable to answer even a single question..Just exaggerate the whole scenerio while telling it to others..he'll surely make plans to kill u overnight..lol..!

4) 1-2-1-2-1-2-1-2

You can skip this point if u have already read my article titled 'WINNERS NEVER QUIT'(1-2-1-2-1-2).If not,i would advice u to read that article and if you don't have time for that..lemme explain this technique in brief.

This is generally used while playing a sport.1-2-1-2-1-2-1-2-1-2-1-2-1-2-1-2-1-2...It's a jingle created by Chintan and ME to irritate others especially our opponents..we sing it whenever he hit a six, four or take a wicket.

people give high-fives but we use this jingle.

Now how to use this jingle..?

well,
when u say 1, tap ur left leg with the right one lifted in air and when u say 2, tap ur right leg with the left one lifted in air..1 for left, 2 for right, 1 for left, 2 for right (just like army people do)..go on and on and on and on..untill the opponent guy gets extremely furious.This has actually played a vital role in our success..

5) Ashesh's theory of repulsion and cellphone

Don't think much..Ashesh is my dear friend..his theory would definitely help u out to annoy ur friends.

Now the question arises..Wht's the theory?

well, it says "Just say the opposite of what ur friends say and if u feel that you are too weak to prove ur point, pull out ur cellphone from the pocket and start chatting".

for eg. If ur friend claim that Ahmedabad is in Gujarat tell him that he is absolutely wrong..instead,tell him that Ahmedabad is in Karnataka.Stick to it even if u know that u are wrong.Tell ur friend that he doesn't know anything and that he is a shithead.This will actually compel him to bang his head against the wall.

6) Comment randomly

This is yet another effective techinque to rub ur friend's ass.Comment on on everything tht's related to him.Make him feel that he is the only bastard present on the earth.

yes yes..i know u waiting for me to elaborate..i'll..

This is how Aman and Ritwik, my dear friends used to irritate Chhabra,the hero of post 'NGNB THEOREM'.The sole problem with Chhabra is that, he appears to be atleast double of his actual age (21 years).So whenever anything realated to age comes in the discussion,his ass is shot.Aman claims that he can do wonders if he takes part in 'The Great India laughhter Challenge'.A single sentence could make people go crazy.All he needs to do is to go there on the stage and emit "Mein ekkis saal ka hun" ("I am 21 years old").People would actually go flat..lol..!
Once day while describing something about a girl (i don't exactly remember whom),Chabbra uttered "Woh hamare age ki hai" (She is of our age).Aman was like "Hey hey Chhabu, before proceeding, make the thing clear mere (mine) age ki ya tere (ur) age ki".Chhabu was extremely furious at that time.

Do some stuff like this and ur victory is confirmed.


7) Talk in Sign Language

Well, this technique requires a companion.It's useful when u r in a group of three and two of u want to harrass the third ass.All u and ur companion need to do is to cook up a sign language which uses hand gestures and learn it by heart.Practice it as much as u can and fix a day on which u'll use it.
Use the sign language for each and everything u want to deliver ur companion.The third soul will get extremely furious and exasperated.

This is precisely what we (Hemal and ME) used to do to chafe Tejas Chhabra.

Now that you have lost one friend, you can move on to make others solely for the purpose of annoying and losing them.

PS: Reading this article might damage your mental health and the author takes no responsibility.